The file

You didn’t mean for me to see this. You don’t want me to see this. To know. It was only an accident. I didn’t try to find it. I never knew it was there. I was just finishing my homework on the computer like you asked me to. It was when I was saving my work that I saw it. A file with my name. Connor Walsh IVF Information. What is IVF? And what does it have to do with me? Maybe it’s a new type of Nintendo. Can I get one for Christmas?

You have told me never to touch Dad’s work files. And I do what I’m told. Apart from when you ask me to work on my special Maths project and I play Minecraft instead. I didn’t know this was a secret when I first saw the file. I didn’t know that You and Dad kept secrets from me. Apart from when our dog Lucy died when I was four and you said she’d gone to live on a sheep farm to help with herding. She was a Pomeranian.

You said I shouldn’t touch things that don’t belong to me. It had my name on it, so it belonged to me. I clicked on the file. It had a lot of pages and words and was very long. I don’t think I’ve ever read a book this long at school. I read the first three pages. I couldn’t understand much, and after those first three pages I really didn’t understand anything. There were lots of words I couldn’t read and had never heard of. The things that seemed the most important were Donor egg, Indian Surrogate and Paternal sperm. I didn’t know what most of those words meant except egg. And I’d never heard of Donor eggs, only boiled, scrambled and poached.

You told me I should find things out for myself. Investigate. Explore. Be Inquisitive. You act like you say these things to help me learn and become independent. But really you just don’t want to answer my questions. If I ask Dad anything he shoos me away and tells me to Google it. So here I am doing what you told me to do. I start with Donor egg.

Whoa. You never told me ladies lay eggs. That’s crazy. The egg must be so big to fit a baby in it. So another lady gave you their egg to help you have a baby? And that baby was me. But if another lady laid an egg for you are you still my Mum?

On to Indian Surrogate. I know what Indian is. In my class there are two Indian boys, Jash and Nirav. Nirav brings yummy pastry pockets on world food day, it has peas in it but I still like it. Okay so I Google Surrogate. Hmmm…I’m starting to get confused. So there was an Indian lady who looked after the egg the other lady laid for you until I was born. Why couldn’t you just lay the egg yourself ? And look after it yourself?

The next one sounds complicated. Paternal sperm. Let’s see what the search brings up. I still don’t quite understand this one. I think my Dad had to find a tadpole to be friends with egg that was laid. Or maybe there is a tadpole living inside my Dad somewhere that he has ready to be friends with an egg that is laid. I know you don’t like answering my questions but I need some help with this one.

I feel like I have learnt a lot in the last five minutes but I also have so many questions. Where does the egg come out? Do you have to sit on it so it stays warm? Or should I say did the Indian lady? How come you couldn’t lay an egg like a normal lady? Who is my real Mum, the lady who laid an egg for you, the Indian lady or You? Is Dad my real Dad or did he borrow a tadpole off someone as well?

When I come out of this room I’m going to ask you. I’m going to ask you about everything that I saw in that file. I’m going to ask you about all the new information I’ve found out from the Internet. I’m going to ask you why you haven’t told me about this. Why were you keeping secrets from me. I want to know the truth. I want to know if you are my real Mum. I want to know if you love me.

But thing is if I ask you everything I want to ask you, everything might change. Right now without knowing the answers, everything is good. You are my Mum. You love me. You only have no patience for the constant questioning of a child. If I ask you, If I confront you, everything will change. You may not be the same Mum I had before, because you might not be my Mum at all.

I can’t keep it in. I can’t see all that, and learn all that and not say anything. I have to ask you. If I don’t it’s all I’ll ever think about. I won’t even be able to play Minecraft.

I’ve got my hand on the door handle. I’m scared to turn it. Because when I do, I will be stepping out into the world of after. After I saw my file. After I asked you all the things I wanted to ask you and didn’t want to ask you at the same time. After you tell me the truth.

I head down the hallway to kitchen, where you are preparing chicken schnitzels for dinner. You have your back to me, dipping chicken in egg and breadcrumbs.

‘Did you finish your homework sweetie?’ You say.

‘Yes Mum’.

‘Very good, can you set the table for dinner?’.

‘Mum can ask you something?’.

You exhale.

‘It’s important Mum’.

‘Okay’.

I take a deep breath.

‘Are you my real Mum?’.

You scoff.

‘Of course I am, where’s this coming from?’.

‘I found my IVF file on the computer’.

You stiffen.

‘You shouldn’t be looking at that Connor’.

‘Well it has my name on it’.

‘That’s confidential’.

‘What does that mean?’.

‘Private. Something you shouldn’t be looking at!’.

‘How come you needed another lady to lay an egg for you? And an Indian lady to sit on it?’.

You laugh.

‘What? I think we need to give you a birds and the bees talk soon’.

‘What do birds and bees have to do with it? Are either of those ladies my Mum?’.

‘Of course not, I’m your Mum’.

‘But it wasn’t your egg, and you didn’t sit on me and keep me warm’.

‘Connor, I wasn’t able to have a baby, so I needed those women to help me have you. Yes one woman kindly gave me an egg and the other looked after you in her tummy until you were ready to be born. Even though they helped me to have a baby I am still your Mum and I love you more than anything in the whole world’.

‘How come you’ve never told me?’.

‘It hasn’t been the right time, we were waiting until you were a bit older’.

‘But I can understand now’.

‘Well we might have some work to do on where babies come from’.

You throw your head back and laugh.

‘This is why I don’t like questions’ You say.

After dinner You watch a boring television show with Dad. It’s like the news but it’s not the news, just as boring though. So I go to my room to play Lego. As I’m leaving the lounge room I hear You talking to Dad.

‘He knows’

‘How?’

‘He found the file’

‘Shit’

‘He thinks babies come from a laid egg, that was more of a worry’

Dad laughs.

In my room I start building my new Star Wars Lego set. I remember in the Star Wars movie Luke Skywalker finds out that Darth Vader is his real Father. He is pretty upset about it given that Darth Vader is evil and head of the dark side. The thing is I’ve just found out You might not be classed as my “real Mum” but You are my perfect and only Mum. You aren’t evil and in charge of the dark side. You don’t get mad when I don’t eat broccoli. You take me to the zoo whenever I ask. You make me pancakes with choc chip smiles in them. You tell me bedtime stories where I’m am always the hero. You love me unconditionally. Well maybe on the condition that I don’t ask to many questions.

photo by lela