She was me

She was me. She was me in a skin fifteen years younger. She was me without the hot flashes. She was me without the incontinence liners, which childbirth had blessed me with. She was me if I worked out religiously. She was me if my tits hung three inches higher. She was me without a face filled with lines, etchings of past emotions. She inhabited a body that was limber and did not require regular visits to the chiropractor. She agreed to all the things he wanted in bed that I had always said no to. She bounced with each footstep verging on skipping. She beamed at him, at them. Why wouldn’t she? She occupied the space I used to fill.

I watched them from the cocoon of my car. Gold FM blared Fleetwood Mac’s “Everywhere”. They were mine. He wasn’t anymore, I was still trying to understand that. But they were mine. I hated this part. She was always giggling and chasing them. If she caught them, it would be in an engulfing embrace. That would be followed by them desperately trying to break free in fits of laughter, as she playfully menaced them with tickles. She never seemed puffed or tired. I know I would have been making a beeline for the park bench by that stage.

I could feel the warmth of 3pm gliding each promising ray across my forearms. The time when I stopped floating anchorless in a sea of painful memories and I became a Mum again. The girls were a welcome distraction to everything that had happened, but his absence was a constant reminder. I got out of the car and made my way towards the playground. My footsteps desperate to see my girls and yet equally desperate to run away from all the false niceties that would ensue. I felt nauseous. I needed to get away as quickly as possible.

‘Hi girls!’ I shout and wave from the edge of the playground.

‘You’re early’ Robert said.

‘Only 5 minutes, calm down Robert’ I said.

‘10 minutes actually and the agreement is until 3pm, you know how much Allison enjoys spending time with the kids’

Probably because she is one herself.

‘Don’t you enjoy spending time with them too Robert? They are your children after all’

‘Of course I do, don’t ask such bloody stupid questions’

‘Don’t say such bloody stupid things’

‘We’re not having another fight Linda, not here anyway’

‘I wasn’t the one who started it’

‘Linda, enough, I’ve got 10 minutes left with my kids and I’m not having you ruin it’

‘I’m going to wait in the car, bring them over when you’re done’

‘Hi Linda!’ shouted Allison

‘Hi Allison’ I begrudgingly respond.

‘Mummy can Allison come live with us?’ says Daisy.

‘Yeah Mummy can she, we LOVE Allison’ says Lily.

‘Allison already has a home girls, she lives with Daddy’ I say.

‘But if Allison lived with us we could have tickle fights all the time!’ says Lily.

‘Allison lives with Daddy, that’s ENOUGH girls!’ I say, a little louder than anticipated.

The girls didn’t know what had happened. They were too little anyway when I’d found out. When he’d moved out, with her. All they’d ever known was Daddy and Allison living together. I still remember the day, Biscuit, our beloved King Charles Spaniel, went missing five years ago. We’d searched all day in the streets and called all the local shelters. In the evening we received a phone call from a young woman called Allison. She had found Biscuit and would keep him in her backyard until we could collect him. Robert went right away. When he returned with Biscuit he suggested we get her a small gift as a thank you. Little did I know that the candle I had picked out was all just a ruse for the gift that he really wanted to give her.

It went on for two years before I found out.

I feel like a tossed out iPhone 6. He has upgraded to the newer, sleeker, faster model. None of the old faults and glitches of before. No more cracked screen, she is perfect, shiny and fresh. She is an iPhone XR. If you can upgrade your phone, then why not upgrade your wife? 

I watch them from the sidelines of Daisy’s Taekwondo grading. I stand as far away from them as possible. We’ve already done our awkward greetings, although awkward doesn’t seem to be part of Allison’s demeanour. She is always so chipper. Urgh its revolting. I can see from here they are holding hands, something Robert was opposed to in public when we were together. They make me sick. I’m staring for so long I miss some of Daisy’s grading.

Is that Robert? I’m at Myer doing some Christmas shopping for the girls, but I’ve been side-tracked by the perfume section. He’s at the Chanel fragrance counter. I know from the pastel green package in his hand, what it contains. Chanel Chance Eau Fraiche. My perfume. The perfume he bought me every Christmas. I escape to the next floor before he can see me. There’s nothing left of mine that she doesn’t have.

Robert and Allison have invited us around on Christmas morning for present giving and brunch. I know how much it will mean to the girls, so I agree to go. When we arrive Allison answers the door in a “Sexy Santa” costume.

‘You look so pretty Allison!’ shouts Daisy.

‘Yeah, I want a dress like that! Can I get one Mum?’ says Lily.

‘Um…Maybe when you’re older’ I say, although I’d like to say over my dead body but I’m trying to not offend Allison.

‘I just thought it would be a bit of fun for the kids’ says Allison, oblivious to how inappropriate it is.

‘Um…they do seem to like it’

Robert appears at the doorway.

‘Merry Christmas Everyone! Come inside so Santa’s Little Helper can help me hand out the presents’ said Robert.

‘YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!’ the girls scream in unison.

The girls were pouring over each other’s gifts, excitedly comparing notes. It was time for the adults to exchange gifts.

‘Robert can I please speak to you in the kitchen?’ I ask.

‘Right now? Can’t it wait?’ Robert asks.

‘No, I’m sorry it can’t’

‘Well…ok then’

We stood on opposite sides of the marble kitchen island.

‘I saw you in Myer buying Allison’s gift’

‘How do you know that was Allison’s gift’

‘The Chanel perfume’

‘Oh’

‘You can’t give that to her Robert, that was our thing, something special between us’

‘You don’t get to come in here telling me what I can and can’t do, besides if I don’t give her that I’ve got no bloody present’

‘That’s why I’ve bought you a replacement perfume, it’s very classy J’adore by Dior’

‘No way Linda, I’ve bought her this present and I’m sticking with it, besides I’m not having my ex-wife pick the Christmas present for my new wife!’ Robert is trying not to shout.

‘And another thing, Allison isn’t going to know it used to be your perfume because I’m not going to tell her and I sure as hell know you won’t because it pains you enough to be in the same room as her, so what does it even matter?’ Robert is red in the face and his breathing is heavy. He walks up and down the length of the kitchen with his hands on the top of his head.

‘Look can we just go back in there and try to have a nice Christmas? For the girls? No more meddling, no more fighting’ said Robert.

‘Ok’ I say.

Allison loves her perfume. Of course she does, it’s divine. I reach into my handbag and pull out a thin oblong box wrapped in silver paper. It’s for Allison. I sheepishly hand it to her.

‘Oh Linda! You didn’t have to’ Allison says.

She carefully unwraps the paper then opens the box, revealing a small gold locket engraved with Allison. I chose gold to suit her perpetually sun kissed skin. She opens the locket to be greeted with a photograph either side of Lily and Daisy.

‘Oh Linda…I…’

She can’t get anymore words out because she is crying and hugging me at the same time. I can feel my shoulder becoming damp, but I’m not worried.

After I’ve put the girls to bed, I sit down on my bed and rummage through my handbag. I find it somewhere between my wallet and a half eaten protein bar. They gift wrapped it so carefully at the store. It almost seems a shame to open it. But I do anyway, in a brazen fashion. There it is, J’Adore By Dior. I take it out of its box. I squirt a little on each wrist, and on each side of my neck. For the hell of it I spray some into the air. I breathe in deeply.

photo by cottonbro